Confirmation

I try not to doubt this path that I am on, but there are days when I find myself wondering if I am really going where God is leading. I question whether God is really calling me to youth ministry or if that is just where I am comfortable.

Last year, when I felt as though God was calling me away from Youth Ministry and into Children's Ministry, my heart sank. I was obedient to what I believed God was calling me to do, but I could not shake the sadness that ensued every Wednesday as I approached the church. I was not surprised to feel that way as I had worked with the youth for almost 6 years and to make that kind of change was bound to create some sadness. I was sure, with time, the sadness would go away and, frankly, I was expecting that after some time my passion would dwindle as well. However.....

While the sadness has subsided, with the exception of a few rare moments, my passion has not decreased in the least. I still feel called to work with the youth, despite my current placement (or displacement:) and cannot wait until God brings me back to them. However.....

Even though I have still felt called to work with the youth and retained my passion, I still wonder from time to time if it is 'just me'. Am I just comfortable with them? Is this a self created passion or truly a calling? Thankfully, God is intimate and always knows when I doubt and need reassured.

Yesterday, at church, we had the privilege of listening to a choir of students from a correctional school. They were all there because of poor choices they had made in their lives and this correctional school was their last option. Many of them were there because this was the only place that would take them--no other school wanted them. And, as they sang Amazing Grace tears filled my eyes and I prayed for each of them. I prayed that they would understand the words they were singing and I prayed that they would make wise choices for their life--including the most important choice--choosing Him.

As I choked back physical tears, my heart continued to cry for them and I realized God was confirming His call on my life. Nothing moves me to tears or prayers like teenagers and as God made this revelation clear, the cloak of doubt that had been wrapped around me suddenly fell to the ground and I planted my feet firmly on the path He has laid for me.

Thank You, Lord.....for knowing when my heart needs encouraged and for always being willing to re-confirm Your plan and Your will for my life. Continue the work you are doing so I am ready to accomplish every good work you put in front of me. Soli Deo Gloria....

Healing and Restoration

Last year Amber asked me to walk her down the aisle when she married Kellyn. The request took me by surprise and completely off guard. Amber and I had not spoken much and frankly, I was still quite hurt by all that had transpired when she left our home. I thought I had forgiven her, but as the day of her wedding approached it was clear that I had not. I looked upon her wedding day with dread instead of excitement and even though I was happy for her--my heart was hard and I remained distanced emotionally. The big day came and went and we even got together once after the wedding when they opened presents, but I felt no connection. I made a few feeble attempts to stay in contact by texting her a few times, but truthfully--I just did not desire a relationship with her. Too much had happened and I did not see how we could ever recover.

In October I heard, via Facebook, that Amber and Kellyn were expecting a baby. I was happy for them and I think I even managed to send a "Congratulations"--also via Facebook. Sam and Jo were both really excited and kept talking about being 'Auntie's', but I just stayed quiet. Amber did not seem to want me in the picture or she would have called and, to tell the truth, I was glad she didn't. Even though I still thought of Amber as a daughter and I missed her deep within my heart--I was done.

Then, last month God began to speak to me about grace. He began to show me that when Amber lived with me I often showed more grace to strangers than I did to her--my own daughter. Yes! Amber was a handful; she was untrustworthy, obstinate and disrespectful. She hurt my family and I deeply, but she still deserved grace and compassion. How many times have I hurt God deeply? Yet, He still shows me grace and compassion. The truth is, I expected Amber to have the same walk with God that my other girls had--despite the fact that she had only been in a Christian home and Christian church for a couple of years. With every mistake she made and every lie she told I tightened the reigns on her and refused to let up. Eventually, it became unbearable for both of us. As God continued to reveal this to me, I knew what He was calling me to do--and it was not going to be easy.

I sent Amber a text and asked if she was going to be in town and asked if I could take her to lunch. She told me that she would be in town the following week and said she would like to have lunch, so we set the date. However, the day we were supposed to meet everything went wrong. I was struggling to finish a couple of assignments for school and I was having a hard time finding a time I could meet with her. Thankfully, she was very flexible that day and we were able to meet a little later in the afternoon. Looking back I can clearly see Satan's handiwork in trying to prevent the meeting, but God is so much bigger than that!

We met for lunch and were face to face for the first time in almost a year. I had Sam and Jo with me, so we had some lunch and made some small talk. Then, I asked Jo and Sam to wait in the car so I could speak with Amber alone. I looked her in the eye and explained what God had been speaking to me and I asked her forgiveness. She graciously accepted the apology and apologized to me, too. I told her that I wasn't apologizing so that I could be a part of her life, but strictly to seek forgiveness. However, I also told her that I was not opposed to being a part of her life and that I would love to be involved with her and the baby as much, or as little, as she wanted me to be. I was amazed at the fact that she seemed happy to have me in her life, but more so--I was amazed at how happy I was to have her back in mine.

We have spent several days together now. She came to town two weeks ago and we had lunch and went to a play after church. Then, yesterday she came to church and we went to lunch again and went to Walmart to look at baby stuff. After Walmart, Amber picked up Kellyn and they went to the movies with Sam while I went to small group. After small group Amber, Kellyn, Sam, Josh, Jo and I played Monopoly with Brett and Heather and for the first time since 2008 all of my children were together--laughing and playing. My heart was full.

I am truly amazed at the love God has given me for Amber. Our relationship is still under construction, but it is being built on a solid foundation of love, trust and forgiveness as God heals the wounds of our past and restores our future. I am in awe of Him--as always.

And--I'm going to be a grandma!

Lord, I am humbled. I love You.

El Roi

Throughout my life I have often felt like the invisible woman. I have always been one of those people who are easy to pass by or ignore. When I was young and in school I would be completely engaged in conversation with someone, but once another party came up to talk, inevitably, I was the one left out; eventually I would just disappear into the crowd with little or no notice.

Not much has changed with age. When I attend potlucks or parties where there are many people, I am still the one who is alone. Even if I am sitting at a table full of people--it isn't me they are talking to. The only exception to this is when I am sitting with a bunch of really close friends, but even then there are times when I am the one sitting in silence while everyone else holds a conversation. I realize that this happens to everybody now and again, but it doesn't happen to me now and again--it happens regularly. Nobody means to leave me out, but the truth is--for some reason, very few people know what to say to me.

I realize that the common denominator in all of this is me! I am not good at small talk and, frankly, I tend to isolate in large crowds so my social skills aren't exactly honed. I do well one on one, but once there are three or more people present I begin to disappear. Their eyes stop glancing at me as they continue to converse and I start to feel awkward--like I'm listening in on a private conversation. I wait for a minute just to make sure, then I walk away--seldom noticed. Invisible.

Last week there was an incident that left me feeling this way. I cannot remember what it was or who it involved, but after a very intimate encounter with God, it did not matter.

When you live with 6 adults you learn to take quiet time whenever and wherever you can! Often my quiet time is in the bathroom as I shower and as I prepared to take my shower last week I was talking to God about the invisible feeling I had experienced. I voiced my frustration and hurt to Him and wondered aloud as to why. Immediately I heard the familiar lies being whispered "You aren't good enough!" "Nobody likes you!" "You're fat and ugly!" But, then I heard His voice. The Voice of my Shepherd--loud and strong, saying......

"I see you!"

I was completely overcome by emotion as I realized that God was speaking to me the same way He had spoke to Hagar in the book of Genesis. He cut right through the lies that Satan was attempting to feed me and spoke His Truth--and suddenly I no longer felt invisible. I am sure there will be many more times throughout my life when I will feel as though people are looking right past me, but I will will never forget the words of El Roi, the God who sees me.

"She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”

Genesis 16:13

Oh....how I love Him!

Imprints on the Heart

It has always seemed funny to me how somebody can suddenly pop into your mind for seemingly no reason. Tonight, as I sat doing my Church History homework, that is exactly what happened. As a matter of fact, this particular girl has popped into my mind frequently for the past 26 years.

I remember the first time I saw her--I was in 9th grade and in my freshman year of high school. She was a senior and definitely one of the most popular girls. She was tall, blonde, slender, and beautiful. She had delicate features and yet, there was nothing very delicate about her. She was outgoing, bubbly, and appeared full of self confidence--you know--everything I wasn't. She was a stark contrast to me--the awkward 9th grader who felt like a duck out of water. This girl seemed to have everyone eating out of the palm of her hand.

It was Spirit Week in October of 1984 and the seniors called themselves the Senior Spirits. They wore white ghoulish costumes and ran through the school displaying all the spirit of a senior class enjoying their last year. Lisa was no exception. She happily displayed her 'Senior Pride' by participating in every activity and standing out as a definite leader. I remember watching her and being totally captivated by her presence.

Shortly after Spirit Week were class elections and it came as no surprise to me that she was running for Senior Class President. I don't know whether it was her nickname or what, but everybody was referring to her as "Toast". As a matter of fact, her entire campaign was centered around the word. I had no idea what it meant and frankly, I don't know if many people did, but it didn't seem to matter. "Toast" was plastered all over San Lorenzo High School and so was Lisa's face and name.

Then, one afternoon Lisa and I had a chance encounter and although I do not remember all of the details, what I do remember is the realization that Lisa was as beautiful inside as she was on the outside. As this captivating girl who 'ruled the school' crossed the path of an awkward freshman, she took a moment to flash a smile and say "Hi! I'm Lisa!". I smiled and introduced myself and couldn't imagine why she would even take the time to say hi to someone like me. But, I walked away feeling a little more special that day.

A couple of weeks later, in late November, there was a buzz around the school. Something wasn't right. The air was thick and the mood was somber. Nobody was talking loud, but people were definitely talking. As I walked through the halls some people were crying and others looked as though they were lost. Then I heard the news--Lisa Monzo was missing. She was last seen walking in the rain on the railroad tracks behind the school. She was on her way to work, but never made it. There was speculation around the school as to who had been with her last and suddenly everybody's lives were turned upside down. The school was filled with police officers as they questioned Lisa's friends and warned us to stay in groups and not to walk alone.

I couldn't believe it. How could this beautiful girl, so full of life, have just vanished? It's something you read about in the paper. It's something that happens at other schools to people you don't know and have never talked to. It definitely doesn't happen to girls like Lisa who, just a couple of weeks ago, took a moment out of her time to talk to someone that most people would have ignored.

Approximately four days later my mom woke me in the middle of the night to tell me that they had found Lisa's body--she had been raped, strangled, and left under some brush next to the railroad tracks. I remember gasping and saying "No!" and as I laid back down to go to sleep I felt my body begin to shake. It felt as though the wind had been knocked out of me and I knew sleep would not come that night. The day we met played over and over in my head like a broken record and I just could not believe that I would never see her smile again. However, with each passing year the wounds of that terrible loss for our school began to heal and by the time my class graduated in 1988--I seldom thought of her.

Over the past 26 years I have thought of Lisa often. I did not know her well--as a matter of fact, I did not know her at all and now, I can hardly recall her face that I once could not get out of my mind. But, what I will never forget is how she made me feel. Because of the way Lisa chose to live her life, she will forever be a part of mine. She left an imprint on my heart that the span of time can never erase.

I continue to grieve for her, but no longer as a young girl stunned by something so tragic and heinous, but as an adult woman with children her age. My heart breaks for the woman she was never able to become and for the dreams she was never able to fulfill. As I think back to her vibrant personality and the impact she had on those of us who went to school with her, I can't help but wonder what kind of impact she would have had on the world. Unfortunately, we will never know.

Tonight, as I did my homework and Lisa came to my mind, it dawned on me that I have never really shared this story. I have seldom spoken of her and on the rare occasion when I have toldher story I have chosen not to share mine. Instead I have held it close to my heart--like a secret between lost friends. Somehow--tonight was different. I wasn't sure why, but for the first time I had a desire to share this part of my life. I am sure there are some who would say it is meant to bring closure to a painful part of my past, but I believe it is quite the contrary.

Even though Lisa has crossed my mind throughout the years I had almost forgotten about our encounter that day and the way she made me feel, but as I reflected on that day so many years ago God reminded me of something.....

People may forget what I look like or what I have said, but they will never forget how I make them feel--and I need to be careful about the imprints I'm leaving on the hearts of others.

Thank You, Lord for bringing Lisa to my mind tonight and thank You for that brief encounter so long ago. I pray she is with You Lord and that someday we are standing next to each other as we stand around Your throne praising You. I also thank You for using her to remind me of the impact I can have on someone's life--no matter how brief or long my time with them is. Help me to make others feel the way Lisa made me feel that day--special and important. I love You, Lord and I am constantly in awe of how You choose to teach me lessons. In Jesus' name...Amen!

Privacy...

After much thought I have chosen to make this blog private. While I would love to keep it public I need to be able to be as honest as possible and I do not feel the freedom to do that with a public blog.

This blog is intended to chronicle my journey into youth ministry--the good, as well as the difficult. I want this blog, as well as my other blog (which is still public: http://be-speechless.blogspot.com/), to be an alter to the Lord as well as a way for me to look back and see how far God has brought me.

If you are reading this then I have sent you an invitation to follow this blog. Do not feel obligated to do so! My blogs are really for me and God alone. I invite you only because you are a big part of my life and are on this journey with me. I trust you and your opinions and  also know that I can count on your confidentiality:)

I am looking forward to blogging here in complete freedom and pray that God will help me to honor Him with every word and every thought.