El Roi

Throughout my life I have often felt like the invisible woman. I have always been one of those people who are easy to pass by or ignore. When I was young and in school I would be completely engaged in conversation with someone, but once another party came up to talk, inevitably, I was the one left out; eventually I would just disappear into the crowd with little or no notice.

Not much has changed with age. When I attend potlucks or parties where there are many people, I am still the one who is alone. Even if I am sitting at a table full of people--it isn't me they are talking to. The only exception to this is when I am sitting with a bunch of really close friends, but even then there are times when I am the one sitting in silence while everyone else holds a conversation. I realize that this happens to everybody now and again, but it doesn't happen to me now and again--it happens regularly. Nobody means to leave me out, but the truth is--for some reason, very few people know what to say to me.

I realize that the common denominator in all of this is me! I am not good at small talk and, frankly, I tend to isolate in large crowds so my social skills aren't exactly honed. I do well one on one, but once there are three or more people present I begin to disappear. Their eyes stop glancing at me as they continue to converse and I start to feel awkward--like I'm listening in on a private conversation. I wait for a minute just to make sure, then I walk away--seldom noticed. Invisible.

Last week there was an incident that left me feeling this way. I cannot remember what it was or who it involved, but after a very intimate encounter with God, it did not matter.

When you live with 6 adults you learn to take quiet time whenever and wherever you can! Often my quiet time is in the bathroom as I shower and as I prepared to take my shower last week I was talking to God about the invisible feeling I had experienced. I voiced my frustration and hurt to Him and wondered aloud as to why. Immediately I heard the familiar lies being whispered "You aren't good enough!" "Nobody likes you!" "You're fat and ugly!" But, then I heard His voice. The Voice of my Shepherd--loud and strong, saying......

"I see you!"

I was completely overcome by emotion as I realized that God was speaking to me the same way He had spoke to Hagar in the book of Genesis. He cut right through the lies that Satan was attempting to feed me and spoke His Truth--and suddenly I no longer felt invisible. I am sure there will be many more times throughout my life when I will feel as though people are looking right past me, but I will will never forget the words of El Roi, the God who sees me.

"She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”

Genesis 16:13

Oh....how I love Him!