Healing and Restoration

Last year Amber asked me to walk her down the aisle when she married Kellyn. The request took me by surprise and completely off guard. Amber and I had not spoken much and frankly, I was still quite hurt by all that had transpired when she left our home. I thought I had forgiven her, but as the day of her wedding approached it was clear that I had not. I looked upon her wedding day with dread instead of excitement and even though I was happy for her--my heart was hard and I remained distanced emotionally. The big day came and went and we even got together once after the wedding when they opened presents, but I felt no connection. I made a few feeble attempts to stay in contact by texting her a few times, but truthfully--I just did not desire a relationship with her. Too much had happened and I did not see how we could ever recover.

In October I heard, via Facebook, that Amber and Kellyn were expecting a baby. I was happy for them and I think I even managed to send a "Congratulations"--also via Facebook. Sam and Jo were both really excited and kept talking about being 'Auntie's', but I just stayed quiet. Amber did not seem to want me in the picture or she would have called and, to tell the truth, I was glad she didn't. Even though I still thought of Amber as a daughter and I missed her deep within my heart--I was done.

Then, last month God began to speak to me about grace. He began to show me that when Amber lived with me I often showed more grace to strangers than I did to her--my own daughter. Yes! Amber was a handful; she was untrustworthy, obstinate and disrespectful. She hurt my family and I deeply, but she still deserved grace and compassion. How many times have I hurt God deeply? Yet, He still shows me grace and compassion. The truth is, I expected Amber to have the same walk with God that my other girls had--despite the fact that she had only been in a Christian home and Christian church for a couple of years. With every mistake she made and every lie she told I tightened the reigns on her and refused to let up. Eventually, it became unbearable for both of us. As God continued to reveal this to me, I knew what He was calling me to do--and it was not going to be easy.

I sent Amber a text and asked if she was going to be in town and asked if I could take her to lunch. She told me that she would be in town the following week and said she would like to have lunch, so we set the date. However, the day we were supposed to meet everything went wrong. I was struggling to finish a couple of assignments for school and I was having a hard time finding a time I could meet with her. Thankfully, she was very flexible that day and we were able to meet a little later in the afternoon. Looking back I can clearly see Satan's handiwork in trying to prevent the meeting, but God is so much bigger than that!

We met for lunch and were face to face for the first time in almost a year. I had Sam and Jo with me, so we had some lunch and made some small talk. Then, I asked Jo and Sam to wait in the car so I could speak with Amber alone. I looked her in the eye and explained what God had been speaking to me and I asked her forgiveness. She graciously accepted the apology and apologized to me, too. I told her that I wasn't apologizing so that I could be a part of her life, but strictly to seek forgiveness. However, I also told her that I was not opposed to being a part of her life and that I would love to be involved with her and the baby as much, or as little, as she wanted me to be. I was amazed at the fact that she seemed happy to have me in her life, but more so--I was amazed at how happy I was to have her back in mine.

We have spent several days together now. She came to town two weeks ago and we had lunch and went to a play after church. Then, yesterday she came to church and we went to lunch again and went to Walmart to look at baby stuff. After Walmart, Amber picked up Kellyn and they went to the movies with Sam while I went to small group. After small group Amber, Kellyn, Sam, Josh, Jo and I played Monopoly with Brett and Heather and for the first time since 2008 all of my children were together--laughing and playing. My heart was full.

I am truly amazed at the love God has given me for Amber. Our relationship is still under construction, but it is being built on a solid foundation of love, trust and forgiveness as God heals the wounds of our past and restores our future. I am in awe of Him--as always.

And--I'm going to be a grandma!

Lord, I am humbled. I love You.

El Roi

Throughout my life I have often felt like the invisible woman. I have always been one of those people who are easy to pass by or ignore. When I was young and in school I would be completely engaged in conversation with someone, but once another party came up to talk, inevitably, I was the one left out; eventually I would just disappear into the crowd with little or no notice.

Not much has changed with age. When I attend potlucks or parties where there are many people, I am still the one who is alone. Even if I am sitting at a table full of people--it isn't me they are talking to. The only exception to this is when I am sitting with a bunch of really close friends, but even then there are times when I am the one sitting in silence while everyone else holds a conversation. I realize that this happens to everybody now and again, but it doesn't happen to me now and again--it happens regularly. Nobody means to leave me out, but the truth is--for some reason, very few people know what to say to me.

I realize that the common denominator in all of this is me! I am not good at small talk and, frankly, I tend to isolate in large crowds so my social skills aren't exactly honed. I do well one on one, but once there are three or more people present I begin to disappear. Their eyes stop glancing at me as they continue to converse and I start to feel awkward--like I'm listening in on a private conversation. I wait for a minute just to make sure, then I walk away--seldom noticed. Invisible.

Last week there was an incident that left me feeling this way. I cannot remember what it was or who it involved, but after a very intimate encounter with God, it did not matter.

When you live with 6 adults you learn to take quiet time whenever and wherever you can! Often my quiet time is in the bathroom as I shower and as I prepared to take my shower last week I was talking to God about the invisible feeling I had experienced. I voiced my frustration and hurt to Him and wondered aloud as to why. Immediately I heard the familiar lies being whispered "You aren't good enough!" "Nobody likes you!" "You're fat and ugly!" But, then I heard His voice. The Voice of my Shepherd--loud and strong, saying......

"I see you!"

I was completely overcome by emotion as I realized that God was speaking to me the same way He had spoke to Hagar in the book of Genesis. He cut right through the lies that Satan was attempting to feed me and spoke His Truth--and suddenly I no longer felt invisible. I am sure there will be many more times throughout my life when I will feel as though people are looking right past me, but I will will never forget the words of El Roi, the God who sees me.

"She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”

Genesis 16:13

Oh....how I love Him!