Heart of Flesh

I'm ugly.

Not physically. Well, I might be physically ugly as well, but that is not what I am referring to. I am talking about where it really matters--the heart. 

I came to a harsh reality last night--I do not love lost people. I say I do. You know, in my small group and within my Christian circles. I mean, that is why I do children's/youth ministry...because I am "passionate about sharing Jesus" And, that isn't a lie. I am passionate about sharing Jesus with students. But, why? And, what about those who are over 18 years of age? What about my neighbors? Or, the person who is acting like a complete ass at the grocery store (Yes, I know I just used Jesus and ass in the same paragraph. And, now in the same sentence. Don't judge me!)? Am I passionate about sharing Jesus with them? Honestly, no. Often, I am too offended by their non-Christ-like behavior to want to share Jesus with them. 

And, that is the irony, isn't it?

Because of their non-Christ-like behavior. While I walk away, shaking my head, displaying my own non-Christ-like behavior. Ugh! 

Jesus came to "seek and save the lost" (Luke 19:10). What if Jesus had shook his head and walked away from Peter, Matthew, John, the woman at the well, the adulteress in the street, or.....me? What compelled Him to eat with sinners and tax collectors? What compelled Him to spend every waking minute teaching His disciples and commissioning them to carry on His work? 

Love. 

Jesus loved the Father and He loved us. He wasn't passionate about saving those who were lost for His own glory or because He knew God's way was better. He was passionate about saving the lost because He loved them. His heart broke for them because He knew they were far from God. 

I want a heart like His. I want my heart to break for the lost and for the injustices in this world. I want a heart that longs to seek and save the lost--no matter how far out of my comfort zone that pushes me. 

Lord, break my heart for what breaks Yours--then, give me the passion and courage to act upon that brokenness. Give me a new heart and put a new spirit within me. Remove from me my heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh. (Ezekiel 36:26) In the Name of Jesus I pray. Amen!

"Heal my heart and make it clean

Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks yours

Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause

As I walk from earth into eternity"

-Hillsong United

Waiting...

I am becoming discontent and I do not know what that means. Yet, I know exactly what this means--God is getting ready to do something big. I know this because approximately 7 years ago, I began to feel discontent and 2 years later...I was quitting my job and starting college to become a youth pastor.

God is moving. He is stirring my heart. He is shaking up my view of Him and His Word and His church. I want to stay planted, firm in what I know....in what I think I know....in my comfort zone. Yet, to stay would be detrimental. Yes, to my call and my future, but more importantly--to my relationship with Him; the very thing that propels me forward in this life on earth.

So, I wait. In eager anticipation of what God has planned.

Speak, Lord. Your servant is listening....

Then Sings My Soul

Week two of my Senior year and....I feel like I am drowning. Not a quick undertow drowning, but a slow-keep coming up for air-screaming for help-drowning. Between work and school and the various things I am committed to--you know, like being a mom and homeschooling and stuff like that--I am overwhelmed.

But, God is so cool. I threw out a very quick, haphazard plea for help last night that went something like this: "Ummm...OK, God. I just remembered that I have not asked for Your help. I know we talked about this before (see this post) so, can You please do whatever You can?" And, this morning--my employer sent me a text and said she decided to work from home today. Therefore, I get to work from home today. Which really means...I don't have to work! Yes. My God is so cool!

As I was getting ready this morning, I was reflecting on just how intimate God is. I was not conscious of any real words or music going through my mind--until suddenly, I paused and heard this:

"And let the life of God, fill me now. 

Let Your healing power, breathe life and make me whole. 

And let the peace of God, let it reign."

-Hillsong United

My soul was singing. That is what I call it when I wake up with a Worship song on my heart--especially when it is not a song I have been listening to recently. The Bible says:

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. 

We do not know what we ought to pray for, 

but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans."

-Romans 8:26

While they may not have been 'wordless groans' exactly, I believe the Spirit was interceding. I knew I had been overwhelmed, but it did not occur to me to pray for peace. However, I realize now that peace is exactly what I needed. Like Peter, I had taken my eyes off of Jesus and focused on the waves--and, I was beginning to drown. Until...I fixed my eyes upon Him once more. "Peace...be still." He calms me. 

Thank You, Lord. I am walking on the water--help me keep my eyes fixed on You. 

"But when I fix my eyes on all that You are,

 then every doubt I feel deep in my heart grows strangely dim.
All my worries fade...and fall to the ground,
Cause when I seek Your face...and don't look around--
Any place I'm in....grows strangely dim!" 

-Francesca Battistelli

Senior Year...

My Senior year at Crown College started Monday.

Speak, Lord. Your servant is listening...

Two Years Later....

In less than a month, I will begin my senior year of college. I would like to say that I no longer doubt and ask God to confirm my call, but--well, it is a sin to lie. As a matter of fact, it was only a few weeks ago that I asked God to confirm His call once more. And, because He loves me--He did.

There is not enough time to put into words all that God has taught me over the past two years; the word intense may be an understatement. In a nutshell, I have learned: I am broken. I am relationally challenged, and ministry....well, come to find out....is all about relationships. Ummmm.....see why I question His call? :)

The past two years have been filled with good relationships and bad relationships. I have learned how to confront and be confronted. I have learned when to speak and when to stay silent (Well, sometimes I fail at that, but I'm a work in progress). And, most importantly, I have learned that NO relationship is as important as the one I share with Jesus. At the end of the day--He must be my everything. C.S. Lewis wrote:

"Every poet and musician, but for Grace, is drawn away from love of the thing he tells, to love of the telling till, down in Deep Hell, they cannot be interested in God at all but only in what they say about Him. For it doesn’t stop… you know. They sink lower – become interested in their own personalities and then in nothing but their own reputations."

The love of the telling! It is easy to do. I did it for years. I have spoken Jesus to my children, others' children, teens, adults, and everyone in between. Yet, often...I was more in love with the telling of Jesus...than Jesus Himself. What a dangerous place to be in ministry. It is the place I fear the most. So....

I am dedicating this year to God--Spiritually, Physically, and Emotionally. I am on a quest to be healthy in every area of my life...no matter how hard that may be. Because...I want Jesus to be my everything and I want to be ready to go where He calls and do what He asks.

Time is drawing near....the clock is ticking....graduation is around the corner. For now...I will bloom where I am planted and I will absorb all the nutrients I can--until Jesus plucks me from this place and replants me elsewhere to bloom and grow. All the while...I will stay connected to the Vine that sustains me.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. 

The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, 

because you can do nothing without Me."

John 15:5