Healing and Restoration

Last year Amber asked me to walk her down the aisle when she married Kellyn. The request took me by surprise and completely off guard. Amber and I had not spoken much and frankly, I was still quite hurt by all that had transpired when she left our home. I thought I had forgiven her, but as the day of her wedding approached it was clear that I had not. I looked upon her wedding day with dread instead of excitement and even though I was happy for her--my heart was hard and I remained distanced emotionally. The big day came and went and we even got together once after the wedding when they opened presents, but I felt no connection. I made a few feeble attempts to stay in contact by texting her a few times, but truthfully--I just did not desire a relationship with her. Too much had happened and I did not see how we could ever recover.

In October I heard, via Facebook, that Amber and Kellyn were expecting a baby. I was happy for them and I think I even managed to send a "Congratulations"--also via Facebook. Sam and Jo were both really excited and kept talking about being 'Auntie's', but I just stayed quiet. Amber did not seem to want me in the picture or she would have called and, to tell the truth, I was glad she didn't. Even though I still thought of Amber as a daughter and I missed her deep within my heart--I was done.

Then, last month God began to speak to me about grace. He began to show me that when Amber lived with me I often showed more grace to strangers than I did to her--my own daughter. Yes! Amber was a handful; she was untrustworthy, obstinate and disrespectful. She hurt my family and I deeply, but she still deserved grace and compassion. How many times have I hurt God deeply? Yet, He still shows me grace and compassion. The truth is, I expected Amber to have the same walk with God that my other girls had--despite the fact that she had only been in a Christian home and Christian church for a couple of years. With every mistake she made and every lie she told I tightened the reigns on her and refused to let up. Eventually, it became unbearable for both of us. As God continued to reveal this to me, I knew what He was calling me to do--and it was not going to be easy.

I sent Amber a text and asked if she was going to be in town and asked if I could take her to lunch. She told me that she would be in town the following week and said she would like to have lunch, so we set the date. However, the day we were supposed to meet everything went wrong. I was struggling to finish a couple of assignments for school and I was having a hard time finding a time I could meet with her. Thankfully, she was very flexible that day and we were able to meet a little later in the afternoon. Looking back I can clearly see Satan's handiwork in trying to prevent the meeting, but God is so much bigger than that!

We met for lunch and were face to face for the first time in almost a year. I had Sam and Jo with me, so we had some lunch and made some small talk. Then, I asked Jo and Sam to wait in the car so I could speak with Amber alone. I looked her in the eye and explained what God had been speaking to me and I asked her forgiveness. She graciously accepted the apology and apologized to me, too. I told her that I wasn't apologizing so that I could be a part of her life, but strictly to seek forgiveness. However, I also told her that I was not opposed to being a part of her life and that I would love to be involved with her and the baby as much, or as little, as she wanted me to be. I was amazed at the fact that she seemed happy to have me in her life, but more so--I was amazed at how happy I was to have her back in mine.

We have spent several days together now. She came to town two weeks ago and we had lunch and went to a play after church. Then, yesterday she came to church and we went to lunch again and went to Walmart to look at baby stuff. After Walmart, Amber picked up Kellyn and they went to the movies with Sam while I went to small group. After small group Amber, Kellyn, Sam, Josh, Jo and I played Monopoly with Brett and Heather and for the first time since 2008 all of my children were together--laughing and playing. My heart was full.

I am truly amazed at the love God has given me for Amber. Our relationship is still under construction, but it is being built on a solid foundation of love, trust and forgiveness as God heals the wounds of our past and restores our future. I am in awe of Him--as always.

And--I'm going to be a grandma!

Lord, I am humbled. I love You.

El Roi

Throughout my life I have often felt like the invisible woman. I have always been one of those people who are easy to pass by or ignore. When I was young and in school I would be completely engaged in conversation with someone, but once another party came up to talk, inevitably, I was the one left out; eventually I would just disappear into the crowd with little or no notice.

Not much has changed with age. When I attend potlucks or parties where there are many people, I am still the one who is alone. Even if I am sitting at a table full of people--it isn't me they are talking to. The only exception to this is when I am sitting with a bunch of really close friends, but even then there are times when I am the one sitting in silence while everyone else holds a conversation. I realize that this happens to everybody now and again, but it doesn't happen to me now and again--it happens regularly. Nobody means to leave me out, but the truth is--for some reason, very few people know what to say to me.

I realize that the common denominator in all of this is me! I am not good at small talk and, frankly, I tend to isolate in large crowds so my social skills aren't exactly honed. I do well one on one, but once there are three or more people present I begin to disappear. Their eyes stop glancing at me as they continue to converse and I start to feel awkward--like I'm listening in on a private conversation. I wait for a minute just to make sure, then I walk away--seldom noticed. Invisible.

Last week there was an incident that left me feeling this way. I cannot remember what it was or who it involved, but after a very intimate encounter with God, it did not matter.

When you live with 6 adults you learn to take quiet time whenever and wherever you can! Often my quiet time is in the bathroom as I shower and as I prepared to take my shower last week I was talking to God about the invisible feeling I had experienced. I voiced my frustration and hurt to Him and wondered aloud as to why. Immediately I heard the familiar lies being whispered "You aren't good enough!" "Nobody likes you!" "You're fat and ugly!" But, then I heard His voice. The Voice of my Shepherd--loud and strong, saying......

"I see you!"

I was completely overcome by emotion as I realized that God was speaking to me the same way He had spoke to Hagar in the book of Genesis. He cut right through the lies that Satan was attempting to feed me and spoke His Truth--and suddenly I no longer felt invisible. I am sure there will be many more times throughout my life when I will feel as though people are looking right past me, but I will will never forget the words of El Roi, the God who sees me.

"She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”

Genesis 16:13

Oh....how I love Him!

Imprints on the Heart

It has always seemed funny to me how somebody can suddenly pop into your mind for seemingly no reason. Tonight, as I sat doing my Church History homework, that is exactly what happened. As a matter of fact, this particular girl has popped into my mind frequently for the past 26 years.

I remember the first time I saw her--I was in 9th grade and in my freshman year of high school. She was a senior and definitely one of the most popular girls. She was tall, blonde, slender, and beautiful. She had delicate features and yet, there was nothing very delicate about her. She was outgoing, bubbly, and appeared full of self confidence--you know--everything I wasn't. She was a stark contrast to me--the awkward 9th grader who felt like a duck out of water. This girl seemed to have everyone eating out of the palm of her hand.

It was Spirit Week in October of 1984 and the seniors called themselves the Senior Spirits. They wore white ghoulish costumes and ran through the school displaying all the spirit of a senior class enjoying their last year. Lisa was no exception. She happily displayed her 'Senior Pride' by participating in every activity and standing out as a definite leader. I remember watching her and being totally captivated by her presence.

Shortly after Spirit Week were class elections and it came as no surprise to me that she was running for Senior Class President. I don't know whether it was her nickname or what, but everybody was referring to her as "Toast". As a matter of fact, her entire campaign was centered around the word. I had no idea what it meant and frankly, I don't know if many people did, but it didn't seem to matter. "Toast" was plastered all over San Lorenzo High School and so was Lisa's face and name.

Then, one afternoon Lisa and I had a chance encounter and although I do not remember all of the details, what I do remember is the realization that Lisa was as beautiful inside as she was on the outside. As this captivating girl who 'ruled the school' crossed the path of an awkward freshman, she took a moment to flash a smile and say "Hi! I'm Lisa!". I smiled and introduced myself and couldn't imagine why she would even take the time to say hi to someone like me. But, I walked away feeling a little more special that day.

A couple of weeks later, in late November, there was a buzz around the school. Something wasn't right. The air was thick and the mood was somber. Nobody was talking loud, but people were definitely talking. As I walked through the halls some people were crying and others looked as though they were lost. Then I heard the news--Lisa Monzo was missing. She was last seen walking in the rain on the railroad tracks behind the school. She was on her way to work, but never made it. There was speculation around the school as to who had been with her last and suddenly everybody's lives were turned upside down. The school was filled with police officers as they questioned Lisa's friends and warned us to stay in groups and not to walk alone.

I couldn't believe it. How could this beautiful girl, so full of life, have just vanished? It's something you read about in the paper. It's something that happens at other schools to people you don't know and have never talked to. It definitely doesn't happen to girls like Lisa who, just a couple of weeks ago, took a moment out of her time to talk to someone that most people would have ignored.

Approximately four days later my mom woke me in the middle of the night to tell me that they had found Lisa's body--she had been raped, strangled, and left under some brush next to the railroad tracks. I remember gasping and saying "No!" and as I laid back down to go to sleep I felt my body begin to shake. It felt as though the wind had been knocked out of me and I knew sleep would not come that night. The day we met played over and over in my head like a broken record and I just could not believe that I would never see her smile again. However, with each passing year the wounds of that terrible loss for our school began to heal and by the time my class graduated in 1988--I seldom thought of her.

Over the past 26 years I have thought of Lisa often. I did not know her well--as a matter of fact, I did not know her at all and now, I can hardly recall her face that I once could not get out of my mind. But, what I will never forget is how she made me feel. Because of the way Lisa chose to live her life, she will forever be a part of mine. She left an imprint on my heart that the span of time can never erase.

I continue to grieve for her, but no longer as a young girl stunned by something so tragic and heinous, but as an adult woman with children her age. My heart breaks for the woman she was never able to become and for the dreams she was never able to fulfill. As I think back to her vibrant personality and the impact she had on those of us who went to school with her, I can't help but wonder what kind of impact she would have had on the world. Unfortunately, we will never know.

Tonight, as I did my homework and Lisa came to my mind, it dawned on me that I have never really shared this story. I have seldom spoken of her and on the rare occasion when I have toldher story I have chosen not to share mine. Instead I have held it close to my heart--like a secret between lost friends. Somehow--tonight was different. I wasn't sure why, but for the first time I had a desire to share this part of my life. I am sure there are some who would say it is meant to bring closure to a painful part of my past, but I believe it is quite the contrary.

Even though Lisa has crossed my mind throughout the years I had almost forgotten about our encounter that day and the way she made me feel, but as I reflected on that day so many years ago God reminded me of something.....

People may forget what I look like or what I have said, but they will never forget how I make them feel--and I need to be careful about the imprints I'm leaving on the hearts of others.

Thank You, Lord for bringing Lisa to my mind tonight and thank You for that brief encounter so long ago. I pray she is with You Lord and that someday we are standing next to each other as we stand around Your throne praising You. I also thank You for using her to remind me of the impact I can have on someone's life--no matter how brief or long my time with them is. Help me to make others feel the way Lisa made me feel that day--special and important. I love You, Lord and I am constantly in awe of how You choose to teach me lessons. In Jesus' name...Amen!

Privacy...

After much thought I have chosen to make this blog private. While I would love to keep it public I need to be able to be as honest as possible and I do not feel the freedom to do that with a public blog.

This blog is intended to chronicle my journey into youth ministry--the good, as well as the difficult. I want this blog, as well as my other blog (which is still public: http://be-speechless.blogspot.com/), to be an alter to the Lord as well as a way for me to look back and see how far God has brought me.

If you are reading this then I have sent you an invitation to follow this blog. Do not feel obligated to do so! My blogs are really for me and God alone. I invite you only because you are a big part of my life and are on this journey with me. I trust you and your opinions and  also know that I can count on your confidentiality:)

I am looking forward to blogging here in complete freedom and pray that God will help me to honor Him with every word and every thought.

Along for the Ride

There are days it seems as if God's path for me is so obvious, then there are days when I feel as if I am flailing in the wind. Seems as though lately the latter has been more norm for me. During these times I am so thankful that I serve a God Who never changes. He is truly the One constant in my life--even when He chooses to shake things up a bit.

As the new school year begins, so do our youth programs. This is always an exciting time of year for both the leaders and the kiddos. Because our youth programs do not run during the summer, it is so much fun to reconnect with the children and teens. A fresh year lies ahead and the prospect of watching a child or teen come to know Jesus fills me with seam-bursting excitement! But, this year I am also filled with a little heartache.

I stepped out of youth ministry in January so I could deal with some personal issues. My plate was full with homeschooling and my college classes and I was dealing with some hurt that needed to be resolved before I could continue working with the youth. However, as summer drew near and some healing had occurred I was anxious to get back to the youth. I had missed them terribly! I was still teaching Sunday School, so I was able to stay connected to some of them, but it wasn't enough--I couldn't wait to be fully submersed in youth ministry once more. But, I had also been asked to help with our children's ministry, Jump. I said I would think about it and pray about it, but I was positive I would end up with the teens again. After all, that is where my passion is.

After much thought and prayer I will be working with Jump this year and I have to say--I have mixed feelings about it. I am excited to work with children who are excited to learn about Jesus! They love hearing stories about people in the Bible and it is fun to teach them how to apply those stories to their lives. What a privilege it is to be given the opportunity to shape the life of a child. And, these children are the future student leaders of our church. Exciting! On the other hand, I will miss the teens....immensely. After 5 years of teaching Jr/Sr high Sunday School I will no longer be teaching....and my heart hurts every time I think about it. I will have absolutely no connection to the teens. Yet, I still feel called, maybe more than ever, to youth ministry.

I do not understand this seemingly strange path that God has me on, but I do know that I will follow Him no matter where He leads. I think I have an idea why He is taking me on this ride, but I am seldom correct when I think I know and understand why God--Who's thoughts and ways are so much higher than mine--does something in my life. So, I am along for the ride..praying for His peace and guidance as I embark on this journey.

Standing in the Gap

Friday was tough!

I spent the morning and early afternoon inside a courthouse for a reason that nobody should ever have to be in a courthouse. I was lending moral support to a 15 year old girl  who was giving a deposition about how her dad had molested her.

I arrived while the family was in with a family crisis counselor and as I sat in the deserted hallway of the warm, old courthouse, I struggled to wrap my mind around what was happening. As I waited for this brave, young lady and her family to come to the second floor, I prayed to God to help me understand why this was happening: "No child should ever have to do this! Why, Lord?" But I did not receive an answer as to why. What He did tell me was this "I will take their ashes and make them beautiful. I will use them to bring glory to My name." Once again I remembered how limited my understanding is and that His ways are not ours. Then, I heard footsteps.

When I looked up I saw two men approaching the top of the staircase. One was an older gentlemen dressed in a suit--definitely a lawyer. The other was a nice looking man, tan with sandy brown hair. As our eyes met, I gave them a slight smile and suddenly a feeling of sickness washed over me--that is her dad. I had never seen him before and really didn't know what to expect, but somehow--I thought he would look different; demented....psychotic....something other than normal, but I was wrong. I wanted to take my smile back! He didn't deserve it!!! What kind of animal does this to another human being--his own daughter? I could feel the anger start to well and then that Still Small Voice.......

God gently reminded me that this man needs prayer--probably more than anyone. Immediately my heart softened and I began to pray for the softening of his heart so that he may encounter the God of the Universe and live a life that honors Him and the daughter he has hurt so badly.

Friday was tough as I watched this young lady and her mom go through a myriad of emotions and even went through some of my own. I am incredibly honored and humbled that this family is allowing me to stand in the gap for them and travel this road with them; And, I find a peace that surpasses all understanding in knowing that this brave, young lady has a Father who loves her and has great plans for her!

Weeds!

With spring here, and summer well on its way, everything is in full swing. Flowers are in bloom, trees are erupting with leaves, and all of God's creation seems to be exploding with life. Even the things we wish would just go away.....like weeds!

Weeds seem to serve no purpose. They rise up and choke the plants that are supposed to be growing and flourishing by robbing them of the nutrients that are vital to their growth. Weeds have no regard to the well being of the other plants, they are simply concerned with taking over the area in which they are spreading--until the entire area looks just like that weed.

I am finding that, sadly, sometimes people are like weeds. They are unconcerned with the purpose and roles of others and rob them of the nutrients they need to grow. Nutrients like grace, mercy, forgiveness, love, and compassion. Instead, the weeds rise up and attempt to choke others into believing what they believe, so eventually, everyone who is in contact with that weed will look just like it.

I have had some people in my life who are weeds, but thankfully, God is an amazing Gardner. He is revealing those people for who they are and removing them from my life. Now, I can continue to thrive in the ways and areas HE has called me to. He is replenishing my life with people who provide the nutrients that I, and every one of His children, need in order to fully serve Him. With every weed He extracts, He plants a new seed--and those seeds have grown into beautiful plants that I am so thankful for. Plants that not only stand beside me, but also help me to grow.

Thank You, Lord for tending to the garden of my life. Thank You for weeding out the plants that are harmful to Your Kingdom and for replacing them with plants that show Your grace and beauty!

Dropping My Net....Part 1

In 2002 I was looking for a house to buy. I had been living with my mom and dad after my husband and I divorced. I wanted to stay close to them, but felt ready to be out on my own.

Behind my folks' house sat a brown and yellow-tudor style-stucco house. There was a great view of the house from my folks' hallway upstairs. There was a little elderly couple that lived there and I always wondered what that house looked like on the inside. I should have been a realtor. I am fascinated by homes and can usually find something charming about every home. No matter how ugly or worn down it appears. However, this house was not ugly and was very charming from the outside. Then, one day.....it was for sale!

I couldn't believe it! Are you kidding me? I had only been a Christian for about 4 months and I was convinced that God had arranged this! He wanted me to have this house! I called my realtor and asked to see it. She set up a time and my mom and I met her over there. I was stunned when we entered the home. It was as beautiful inside as it was outside. The woodwork was in great condition, there was a gorgeous sunroom that boasted 10 windows, all of the closets were big, the kitchen was perfect, the basement was finished, the possibilities were endless! I wanted this house! I inquired about how much the sellers were asking and again....I knew this was a gift from God! It was CHEAP! Apparently, the elderly couple went into nursing homes and the kids just wanted out from under the house. Everything was starting to fall into place.....until.......

I work for an insurance company and I am licensed in property and casualty. Which means....I write auto and home insurance. About a week after finding my 'dream home', we received a call from one of our clients. Their daughter and her family were moving to town and buying a home and they needed homeowners insurance. I asked for the address of the house they were buying and when they gave it to me, I could immediately feel the sting as tears welled in my eyes. They were buying my 'dream home'. They had already put in an offer and it had been accepted. I cried a lot over that house, but my new found faith in Jesus kept things in perspective. I knew there was a reason that I wasn't getting that house.

The couple who bought the house were around my age and had a couple of kids who were close in age to my children. We became friends fast and I would always give them a hard time about buying my house. They began attending the same church I attend and soon we were spending lots of time together. By the time I found a house to rent in 2003, our families were very close. I only moved down the street so we still spent weekends and evenings hanging out. In 2004, Dan and Lori felt the Lord calling them to foster children. My daughter, Amber, was one of the children that was placed in their home.

In July of 2005, I had already taken in Amber when my landlords decided to sell the house that we were renting. I was completely bummed! Even though the house was small, it was in a good neighborhood and just down the street from my folks. However, my faith was strong and I knew that God would provide the perfect place for my children and myself.

My folks, the kids and I, and my daughters paternal grandparents went to Disneyland in August of 2005. As we talked one day, I told them about our housing situation. Their response was completely unexpected......they wanted to buy us a house. I couldn't believe it. As soon as we got home I began looking at houses. There were several nice homes on the market, but truthfully none of them measured up to the one home I loved.....my 'dream house'. I knew Dan and Lori had talked about selling their house, but I also knew they hadn't meant right this minute. However, I decided to approach them anyway. Their response was what I had expected. They weren't quite ready. So, I continued the search. I found a couple that I really liked, but there was always something wrong with them that was going to end up costing me money.

One day, after church service was over, I decided to approach Lori again. I hadn't found anything I loved and time was running out. This was my last ditch effort. I asked, again, if they would pray about selling their home. Immediately, Lori was in tears and I felt awful. Later, I would find out that my offer to buy their home was an answer to their prayers. They agreed to sell.

In November of 2005, I moved into my 'dream home'. A home that God had provided 3 years after I thought it was gone forever. A couple of weeks ago, as I sat in my living room looking around my house, I couldn't help but praise God for allowing me such a beautiful home. I am a single mom with a low paying job. I am living at poverty level. Yet, here I was sitting in a home that is in a good neighborhood, right behind my folks, and has everything I have ever wanted.

I am constantly amazed at how God provides. Even when His provision takes us to places we weren't prepared to go...........

Dropping My Net....Part 2

For the past couple of years I have had the feeling that God is preparing me for a big change. I have been discontent in my job, yearning to stay home with my kids, and extremely passionate about working with teens. However, no matter how strong these desires were or how discontent I have been with my job, I have stayed put. Feet planted. Stubbornly? I don't think so. Fearfully? definitely. Not fearful of change (well, maybe a little;), but more fearful of being out of God's will for my life. I've been there before and I gotta say.....it's not pretty! Plus, to be completely honest, I just couldn't figure out how in the world I was going to be able to quit my job and stay home with my children. I thought God had given me the answer in this post, but after everything our family went through with Amber, well, I just couldn't go there again. At least, not right now.
As the New Year began I made a promise to God. Not a resolution that was meant to be broke, but a promise that.......I would follow wherever He leads. I would give up anything He asked me to. I would 'drop my net' so to speak and follow Jesus. I knew 3 things for sure: 1) I was to quit my job 2) I was to stay home with my children 3) I am to work with the youth. I couldn't imagine how this was going to happen. However, God did whisper a few words of encouragement.....something along the lines of......."Nothing is going to happen if you never step out and trust me." Ahem. OK. Sooooooo....maybe He had a point.

I set May as my deadline for quitting my job. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew that I couldn't do anything else while working 40 hours a week. I planned to get a part time job in May, but I have to be honest....I just couldn't figure out how it would work. I am struggling to make it right now, working full time. I decided not to worry about it and handed that part over to the One it belongs to. God has been extremely faithful in providing for our family. I knew He would make this happen. I also filled out a FAFSA (student grant/loan) application so I could begin online classes in June. Then, I layed everything in His hands. I didn't know when and I couldn't have imagined how, but I knew He would provide.

Last Monday I received a phone call from my daughters paternal grandparents. Their business' have not been doing well and they called to tell me that they would have to sell my house. I was devastated. The tears began to flow as I thought about the memories we have built in that home. Where are we going to live? What are we going to do? I called my folks and told them and sent out a prayer request to my small group. We had to be out of the house by March 31st. That gave me right around 2 months to find a place and move.....in the worst part of winter.

As I began to wallow in self pity, I received an email from my mom. She gently, lovingly reminded me of the prayers I had been praying to God. She told me that her and my dad had been talking and that they had a plan to make room for the kiddo's and I to stay with them. Since I would have no bills, this would allow me to quit my job, stay home with my kiddo's, and go to school. The tears began to flow again. This time, in awe of my God Who had been patiently waiting for me to drop my net and truly follow Him.

The other day, a friend from church stopped by the office. She wanted to get auto insurance for her son. As we chatted, I told her that I planned on leaving the insurance company in May. Turns out that she is in need of a personal assistant.....starting in May. The work will be part time and the biggest majority of it.....I will be able to do from home. I gave my notice to my boss a couple of days ago and plan on April 30th being my last day.

I am still sad about losing the house that I have loved for so long. However, the joy of being able to fulfill God's will for my life is far outweighing the sadness. He is teaching me to let go of the temporary things of this world and to run after the things that will last. With every step I take He confirms that His hand is over me and that I am making the right choice. He is so intimate.

I love you, Lord. I Thank You for all You have given, but I praise You for all You have taken. You are so good.